Leaky leakerson............

Last week, I had 5 days off, and after going to the seaside, I decided to drain the heating system in the house, I think it was a Friday, the missus was at work and the good weather is well and truly on it's way, so, I'll flush the heating system and get rid off any major turds, that's in the system as it were, pulled up a floor board, attached the hose, undone the drain cock ..... Nothing. Turned the heating on, nothing, opened an air vent, nothing, oh shitty pooh, what's going on.

Started to undo the drain cock, whooooosh, a shed load, of dirty, black water came gushing out. "FUCK it fuck it and double fuck it some more" I cried........In the front room, a little voice echoed "fuck it da" ..... Kids, are natures tape recorders....Remember this people.....Running into the front room, Jess is sat there, brushing a dolls hair, "fuck it", "no love dad said - blanket" ...She wasn't convinced "fuck it fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck da" ....... "No no bollocks"....."Bollocks da"...... *mumbles*Fuck shit grrr fuuuurr.....Bugger, is this swear word???...."Fuck da, bollocks da"......I'm getting nowhere fast here, and the house is still filling with water, luckily enough, it's under the floorboards, so, we now have a underground swimming pool, which the missus would love, I'm not 100% convinced of this, popping the T.V (television not....Well you know a tranny) on and turning it to the childrens channel, I run back to the waterfall..... Panic, starts to sink into me, can't turn the water off - "the wheels on the bus" reverberate through my head, bloody kiddie T.V.... Try to think, try to concentrate, "the bell on the bus...." Ping......I run upstairs (now, for a fat lad, all this running is not good him) I hunt in my tool kit and find a hose connector, jump down the stairs, avoiding the gaping hole in the floor boards, push the connector on the hose, then screw into the vacant end, the hose is already outside, I take a gander, nowt, nothing, nada, nicht - "the children on the bus go....." My heads going to pop, blue veins are dancing around my head.... I peer into the abyss, bloody hose is kinked, unkink it, water is flowing OUTSIDE, oh the joy, the birds are singing, the sun has its hat on and the wheels on the frigging bus, are still going around but, who gives a shit, the water is flowing.

I check the drain cock, all is working. I wash it through, still ok, hmmm, I check the rubber plunger type thing, aaha problem solved - "the women on the bus go chatter....." I'm humming the wheel on the bus now, I get, a little screw driver, gentle coax out the plunger - nothing, try a little harder - the fucking thing crumbles, the screwdriver stabs my hand, claret everywhere - "FUCK" - "fuck da" -"Noooooo" I grab, a bag of chocolate buttons and go into the front room, Jess and Shannon are sat watching some fat geezer called Justin (hehehehe just in !!!) do the sign for lion, "Roar" he says mimicking the lion, I give the girls a handful of buttons and neck the rest, no more swearing I tell Jess, slightly hypercritical but my kids my rules....

Hand is throbbing, the suns, fucked off in to get his coat, my vain, is now dancing, the riverdance, in steely dan boots, Justin, the nobber, is still, prancing around, "lion roar." I look at the rubbery crumbs on the sideboard, can i stick them together, can I heck like, option, options, options, what frigging options, I horse a load of PTFE tape around the brass plunger and around the screw part and wait until the system has drained, four hours later....... I screw the drain cock into the pipework, tight, tighter, a little more, now leave it......

As the time was knocking on, I decided, enough was enough, I'll pack away, get the kids, their tea, bath 'em, finish the washing up, ready for the missus to come home, it's her last day before she starts her paternity leave, the kids are all scrubbed and fed and ready for Ally.

In, she walks with a bunch of flowers and some chocolates from her mates, this, is one thing a fella will never get, you may get a pint from a mucker, but you will, never get birthday, Christmas or presents for the baby from a guy, it's a bit gay to be honest, but would it kill them to remember my birthday!!!!....Sorry....We feed the girls their bottles, they're smelling all, babyfied, read them a story, then off to bed they go. Jess settles into her "groovy chick" duvet, wriggling to get comfy, Ally bends over gives her a kiss, "night, night, babes, love you"........."FUCK BOLLOCKS ma".....


to be continued.........