Whale oil beef hooked

Apparently the first time I wrote this the ending was shite so thank you Sharon, I lost the original, which took me a hour so the ending was rushed.........

I thought I'd tell you about the birth of my daughters (well mainly one because two would take too frigging long).......No wait......Please, nothing to technical because a) I don't know much about it and b) can't be arsed..... You still there??...Good...Oh, and nothing too gruesome because, well see above...

I was told, by the missus, rather unceremoniously, whilst, taking a seat on the throne, yes, I was having a number 2, which, to be honest, is the best place to be told you were going to be a father for the first time!!!!!....From that day on, my whole life changed......

Both, was a, "cut 'em low, keep 'em high" jobby (cesarean, in other words) originally, we opted for a normal birth, we even booked the pool (I brought a snorkel and flippers in anticipation) but, alas it wasn't to be, Allyson was induced 4 times, I think, it might have been 3, but, anyway, it was the maximum amount of inductions you can have, we (I use the "we" because, although I didn't have to endure the pain, I did have to suffer, the constant moaning, the emotional outbreaks, the sleepless nights, the non existent sex life, my missus getting fat, the "I can't push the car because I'm pregnant" speech for 9, fucking, months, so yes, I use the word, we!!!!) also had a Tenns machines, this is a portable electrocution device used, (if, used proper) to relieve pain, if, like me, you whack it on full "volume" it sends your partner into a whole world of different pain, although WE, only had a couple of contractions, apparently they hurt but not as much as the Tenns machine!!!!! After learning, that, although heavily "up - the - duff", she can move like a ninja, with the force of a fucking hurricane, I, along with my black eye, put the Tenns machine away.
We were offered a "sweep", this doesn't involve a broom, but a hand disappearing into no mans land and sweeping the....Well, something inside the missus, this may help with the process, then they offered to break the waters manually (like I give a rats arse about their plumbing problems, we're having a fooking baby here like!!!)
So, after 3 days of strangers (I think they were doctors, could have been butchers, they all wear the same coats!!!!) putting their hands, feet, head and anything else they could find up inside my missus' naughty places (which, by the way. I hadn't seen, let alone touch for months, because she was "too tired" but, here she was, legs at ten to two, letting all and sundary have a go, like she was some sort of Rubix cube, I think, she just liked the attention, made her feel wanted!!!) We opted for the C-section, much to the dismay of the doctors who told us all the negative things about the procedure "you won't be able to give birth naturally in the future" (which is false) was the one which stuck in my head, we were wheeled down, well, I say we, but, I had to carry all the bags, and I mean all the bags, she had a bag full of baby clothes, one filled with her clothes, one full of food, another of washing, which, I had to take home with me, wash, dry and return tomorrow, talk about taking bloody liberties and another full of magazines, books and newspapers, balanced on top of this was the good luck balloons, the dozen or so cards (well, to be honest, there was one card and that was left by the previous occupant, so thank you Mrs. Naheemsalamhapookasimanz hope you and the nipper are well)
We were showed to our room and I had to put on some "scrubs", I was tempted to go on one of the floors and start examining other ladies naughty bits, but these things, aren't as comfy as they look, I had to wear, sky blue, skin tight trousers which showed everything off. I'm glad I was wearing my, mean green Incredible Hulk grundies, imagine my embarrassment / horror if I was going commando, arrgghh, I bet the bloke before me had no trollies on!!!!! I, also had these sweaty plastic clob hoppers on, which made your feet slip, so when I walked it looked like a fucking ruptured gorilla with piles, and, a rather tight green tunic thing and everytime I bent over, out popped The Hulk with a grrrrrr !!!!!!
They wheeled her into the operating room, again muggings here had to walk, up comes the sheet exposing Allys newly trimmed nether regions, everyone introduced themselves "harrow I'm Wang, I be do the iefernferoeuoer blah blah", "hi I'm Jules I'll be the anithetist" "hello I'm Mary I'll be your mid wife for today" and "howdy I'm Gus I'll be cleaning the floor!!!!" there was about ten people milling around the room, talking about holidays and shopping, it was so surreal, then in barges the doctor he / she (not too sure if it's male or not, if it's female, then it's a manly female, and if its male then, oh dear) haven't got time to say hi, just wants to get on with it, probaly teeing off at 11. I'm asked to put on some music, I opted for one of their CD's, as I've only got 2 and listening to "Smack my bitch up" or "Like a virgin" didn't seem appropriate, Bob Marley gold is popped into the machine and off we go "Buffalo soldier....Something about a raster saying yeah yeah yeah......." After, sticking a foot long needle in her back, several times until they found the right spot, Allyson's asked if she can feel anything, they pop on, some massive yellow boots and spray something cold up and down her legs "legs feel like they're floating" came the reply- fine, they warn us "you might feel some pulling, tugging and pushing but not too worry", after hearing about Wangs holiday for a fucking hour we are told "Jeez that's a big one" I, naturally thought, The Hulk had popped out again, but oh no, thrust in our faces was a "non having a penis" baby, full of blood and crap, slightly blue, bold as a badgers arse (unlike Jess, Shannon was a black haired little bundle of blood, piss and wind, she was a week early and covered head to foot in hair, even her forehead, at first I thought Allyson had an affair with Gus the gorilla) ............


So that was the story of the birth of my children...... The ending is still poor, but it's not a bloody book Sharon !!!!!..... ;0)