When a big pizza pee hits you square on the knee that's ammonia...................

Finished work at 23:00, by the time I got home, it was around half eleven, started to do some E-mails then off to bed. I could hear the little uns disturbing so, finished up early to deal with them....

Shannon, is led, in her cot, her little dark hand clutching a white fluffy dog, her body, covered in a pink babygrow, she is laying sideways, her little black fluffy head is pressed against the wooden bars, "ahhhh bless" I lift her gently and place her in a sleeping position, kiss two of my fingers and place them lovingly on her brow, I look at Jess, her bed is covered in books and cuddly toys, she has a Minnie mouse, under her arm, she's an angel sleeping the sleep of the innocent.....

I climbed into bed, the missus arm starts flying around trying to seek me out, hits me, "just wanted toooooo............. " *snore* zzzzzzz she pokes me in the eye, then she lays some z'eds, "ah love her she wanted to say hi before going to sleep". I climb under the duvet, finding that only half of me is covered, no matter, it's not that cold..............

About, 2 hours later, Shannon is starting to disturb, I go in, one of her little legs are out of the babygrow, "bless", I climb back in bed, the missus has taken residence on my side of the bed, fine.

Half hour later, Jess is crying out, I go in she's sound asleep just mumbling in her sleep..."hmmmmmm"....

A hour later, Shannons off, I go in, she's lay on her front, sideways, arse in the air ..."Stupid bint" I think with a smile. I turn her again.....

Ten minutes, she's off again, in I go with a stomp, the stench of shite hits me like a baseball bat - urrrggghhhh, my eyes are burning, my lungs collapse, what the fuck as she been eating!!!!!.....But, she's asleep, so decision time, do I change her now and risk waking her and her sister or, do I wait and hope, she'll sleep, she seems to enjoy the sensation of a pooy nappy.....

I climb back in bed, no duvet, her fooking big arm smashes the side of my face, "for fuuuuuuuccckkkkk sakkkke" I scream in my mind, I grab the duvet and give it a yank, hard, just as I do, she fooks off to the toilet, I end up in a pile on the floor, wrapped in a fooking duvet, by the time I unscramble myself, I'm a ball of sweat, the missus returns, I'm too hot for the duvet. I'm wide awake my bum is hurting and, I'm in a piss...... I lay down think of some zzzzzzzzz. I'm gone..... My bare, hairy white arse hasn't got time to freeze......

Five seconds later Shannons crying, I go in, the smell has engulfed the room, I can't see anything, my eyes are full of tears, my nose has committed suicide, I'm going to die in here, I go outside, take a deep breath, visualize in my mind what I have to do, then exhale, gulp the air back in my lungs, then go for it........

Upon entering the room, in one fluid motion, I scoop Shannon up and make my way to the changing table, stepping over, around and even on toys, luckily none has gone off, I place her on the towel, which is on top of the table, her dark eyes glisten in the little light there is, they are wide open in the gloom, I undo her babygrow WOW the fucking smell has intensified, a lime green, toxic vapor cloud engulfs me, the air is thick, my flesh starts to flake, I undo her vest, now for the tricky part, the removal of the nappy.......

Oh foook, this clay like substance, has molded itself on her butt cheeks, I fumble for the wet wipes, I pull the tissue out. One solitary wet wipe, it's not even moist, I attempt, to wipe her, but it's like rubbing a wart off a hippo, it's not gonna happen....

As, the whole situation starts to deteriorate fast, Shannon decides to do a little dance, feet and legs are kicking the shit filled nappy, my worst nightmares are coming true, I scramble to find something, anything, the first thing to hand is her pink jiggly pop....Can't wipe her arse with this..... I give it to her to play with, her legs stop, she cuddles the jiggley pop and giggles its springy antenna find her mouth....I have brought myself some time, I find a sock placing this on my hand I pick and scrub her fleshy behind in the light I can't see if it's clean without thinking I bend still can't see I bend closer..................... fffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrppppp!!!!!!!.....She farts in my face, I can taste it, and people, itain't apple pie...

I drench her in talc, clean arse or not, she's done, I place a clean nappy, do the poppers on her vest and babygrow, redo the poppers on her baby grow, as I've several left over and then redo them, foooking things taking the piss now, "leave it", my brain screams, can't t-a-k-e, much, more, but it's personal....I have to succeed

Eventually I manage to redo the poppers I grab the nappy with the sock monster and put them both in a bag then picking Shannon from the mat she looks at me her big brown eyes heavy with sleep start to close jiggly pop is left behind and she puts her tiny little hands around my neck and cuddles in.........Being a dad......


Foooking rocks.