Pool dancing.....

After our adventure with the gazebo the missus decided to buy a pool, a big pool, a massive pool in fact it was fooking huge, now, the good thing was she didn't have to blow it up, which in my view would have killed her, it would have killed me, it is massive, not Olympic massive but bigger than the last one we had, she phoned me at work on a very warm day, whilst I was looking out on the world and its sunshine with a sense of longing, which was nice, but to be honest it was also a kick in the knackers. I'm sat, in an office looking at the sunshine and she phones to say she's in the sun with a pool of water and the kids are loving it, splish splashing themselves stupid in the cool clear water - the bitch, but there is a god, because we haven't got a tap in the back garden she had too fill this thing up with a bucket, it took her hours, and hours being nearly full term this was incredibly hard, I had to chuckle, here she was boasting about how nice it'll be and how horrid it must be to be stuck in work, then she unpacked this monstrosity, so, I think this is gods way of shitting on her, ahhhh pay backs a bitch. I must just say she did collect me from work and she did say she's sorry, so all is forgiven, she dropped me and the kids home, then she went to her mid wifes appointment, I, to be honest haven't been as involved with this one which is a shame but someone has to look after the ankle biters and no point her doing it, so its left up to me.


I take the kids in, get them sorted, ask Jess if she wants to go back out and play - no, I go and get changed and I think foook it if she don't want to go out fine, to be fair it is hot outside (our garden is south south west facing or is it south south south east....What the foook it's not like you're going to come around for tea and cakes is it!!!!) it is hot, its hotter than the frigging sun well hotter than the moon, so anyway, it's hot (if you haven't noticed I ramble you'll get used to it), I slap some sun cream or sun screen, whichever, on Shannon, Jess is still moping in the front room watching some shite about this old biddy, who used to be in open all hours, well, she and this manky looking mutt called Pippin fly around in a spotty airplane finding out about things, I now know how papers made in this particular episode, she was flying around trying to get a teapot some nob brought her (she had broke it), well, fuck me what a crock, this dopey bird went to a pit to get the clay, then off to a sodding tea pot maker, then off somewhere else shitting hell, she could have made several fooking gold encrusted tea pots by the time she pays her fuel bill, the receipt for the tea pot must have been astronomical it was made by hand ...... Anyway Jess loves it.

So, I strip Shannon down to her nappy, chuck some ... No, wait, I've done this bit, hmmmm, oh yes.

As soon as Shannon was ready who wants to come outside, I think thats also the name of the crap she was watching, not sure, so now Jess is there, I strip and sun block her then I look at this pool, this gynormously large pool, its got about a millimeter of water in!!!!!!......A fooking mm not even an inch, and the fooking real kick in the knackers is, on the way home, the missus said you'll have to watch Shannon she might go into the deep end and drown, fooooking hell drown, a frigging gnat couldn't get his arse wet, and foooking deep end, the girls on drugs the "deep end" wasn't even a centimeter!!!!!... I envisaged waist high..... Oh no.

But anyway, they loved it, splashing around like a pair of loons, Shannon would dip her hand into the puddle and drink a bit, she looked like a frigging monkey drinking outta the river, they must have been in there for all of ten minutes when Jess starts squawking "DA DA - look DA LOOK" yeah that's nice love, I reply but she wouldn't let it go "DA, DA, DAaaaaa LOOK BABY"....... I take a gander, and, floating amongst the toys, in the pool are three foooking turds !!!!!!! ....... Shannon has had a foooking crap.....The dirty little........ Foooking hell, her nappy has expanded so much that it has just fell apart, I grab the pair of them, put them on the side, looking around for a scoop, yes a scoop - listen they may be my kids, but a poos a poo, and I ain't picking it up with me bare hands, fuck no wouldn't want to pick my own up, let alone someone else's, I see an old plant pot fooking ideal, taking it. I start to fish for the turd - sod bobbing for apples this will entertain the kids for hours, you see, although the waters not deep, the movement from the water makes the poo move, like a wet bar of soap, fook me I was there for ages chasing turds, got one, now what, fuck it, on the garden it goes, now for the next, the one after is soon caught, getting the hang off this now, horse him on the garden, now for the third turd, he must have been watching because this ones a fooking nightmare, then it breaks up, now I have several mini manures, at this point I'm getting a bit annoyed, the toys are getting in the way, the poos are outsmarting me, the pools too big, so fuck it, in I go. I start to rummage around, get a couple then the final 2, I'm the champion poo plucker of all time, famous last words, well - may be not famous words, I can't remember any passages in Hamlet with them in........ I start to chase the remainding fugitives, when suddenly, one of them starts to attack me, it's heading straight for my feet, well - foook this for a game of marbles, I darted one way, the things in heat seeker mode, its coming toward me, I move again, slip fall head first into the pool, lucky for me I land in the deep end, fucks sake deep end, as I'm laying there, surrounded by turds in the blazing sun, I start to wonder is it fooooking worth it..............