One thing nobody has ever told me about having children was after a while of talking to babies and toddlers you change. I shit you not. I've heard myself singing bloody nursery rhymes or theme music to childrens shows I know all the words to Balamory, this is not bad in one respect you can sing along with the little ones but it's not in private, oh no whilst I'm in work, on the bus or in shops. I have no shame.

The other day I walked into work humming The Frog song - not sure if that's the name of the song but the missus sings it to the girls. Now this song has actions a raspberry here and there a waving of the hands a sticking out of the tounge, a wobble of the head you know the normal stuff Robbie Williams performs. Not sure if it's a proper song or one she made up, but it a catchy little number. Well the more I walked the more unhumming I did - yes I started to sing...." *Raspberry - Raspberry * went the little green frog one day *raspberry raspberry* went the little green frog, so we all went *raspberry raspberry flick the tounge loollo* Now we know that frogs don't go *raspberry raspberry* they go *tradadad(jazz hands)trada* we know frogs go *tradadadaada (jazz hands) tradddaaddaa*" The more I walked the loader I become.

So there I am at some ungodly hour in the morning dressed in shorts and sandals, not the Jesus creepers sort but a rather dashing sporty type - Merrell. I've had these things for years and I do mean years - six or seven to be vauge, the back is all gone worn away by mistreatment and a dog we had called Taz oh and they stink. When I'm in shops or on the bus I can actually smell my own feet, so by fuck they must kick up somewhat, but the thing is these sandals are soooo very comfy it'll break my heart to throw them out. We've been everywhere together through thick and thin winter and summer - memeories...... But I have to get new ones I put a bid on ebay for a pair of new ones but got out bid. So I have to look for them elsewhere.

As I've said before I'm a rather portly sort of chap so I must look a bit of a sight walking down the road with a rucksack on my back, sandals flopping in the puddles. In my hand two carrier bags full of plastic bottles, I must point out I don't collect plastic bottles they were for recycling... Honest. Walking may be a little inacurate - I was limping.
I had dropped a metal bar on my big toe the day before and it took half the skin off - didn't cry but christ it hurt. Limping down the singing my frog song blowing raspberries shaking my hands. All the revellers returning to their pits looking at the limping fat crazy man doing jazz hands whilst blowing raspberries. On the way into work there's a pathway which is also a cycle path the padestrians are on the inside the cyclists are on the other half. The side for the walkers is partly covered with overgrown brambles branches and other green bearing bits of wood.

On this particular day because of the overgrown green stuff I walked on the cyclist side, again slightly inaccurate hmmm there's this raised white line seperating the two sides and ol fatty basher decided to walk on this line as though he was Titan the Tightrope walker extrodanare what a foooking mistake-a to make-a.

A fooking bastarding cyclist zoomed past me, I was so startled that I feel from my high wire my flip flop type sandal stayed on the wire as, I my bag of plastic and my skinless toe fell head first into a fooking bush scrapping my eyeball.......

Little Basher, flip flopped his way into work, limping, eye streaming with blood and tears carrying his bags of plastic bottles, rucksack on back, one of the pockets disentergrated by an acid accident years before, a whimpering frog song could barely be heard as he trundled into work.......

Mondays I fooooking shit 'em.....

For the love of god, make them stop.......

I have to wonder what the foooking hell was I thinking..............

Two kids were bad enough but three. Foook my old boots. It's hard work. I'm glad to be in work away from all the shite.

The thing is children grow up. Un fucking believable, but true. They start out as this screaming shitting machine that'll sleep most of the time if you're lucky. Then they are awake for a lot longer then they start to smile and interact a bit - not much. Then they start to make noises, no not THAT sort of noise they've done that from day one. No this is a babbling noise. Then, and the fooking crazy thing is, you will actually try and encourage this, they'll start to walk and talk and you'll be all chuffed. And then you realise they don't shut up, not for a foooking second. Oh my giddy fooking aunt Nora they don't shut up from the time they're up to the time they're in bed. They have no sense of loudness nor have they the politeness not to talk when you're on the phone, watching the TV. They even come into the toilet when you're having some quality time with the porcilin. They have no - well they just have no nothing nicht, nada, zero - they don't give a flying foook if you're in the shitter it don't matter if they want to see you they will....

Jess has been talking for a while - for ages she didn't talk or walk she just sat there playing away fooking ideal - but now, now she's running around the house like a fooking headless chicken. And do you know whos at fault, yes that would be I and her. If only we hadn't encouraged her.

Shannon is also talking - not sure if she understands what she's saying but she yells like a screaming banshee "DA" sometimes at me, but she never screams it the once oh no she repeats herself over and over again. She also says dog and airplane - no shit man. I think her sister has said the words over and over again she has picked them up. She is also walking again I think it's because her sister is active she wants to be with her as well. The thing is she shuffles like Ozzie foooking Osborne, yelling DA da gone da dog airplane..... A bit like Ozzie.

Then you have Keria, she who sleeps. When she's not sleeping she's crying. When she's not crying she's shitting. To be fair she is settling in a lot better now before she was waking every 2 hours for a feed. Now she gets up about three in the morning - and give her, her dues my missus tends to her.

The other day whilst I was at work. Jess decided to play mum. Ally, who was asleep, said she could hear the little patter of tiny feet heading toward the bathroom, then returning to the bedroom. Just as the door shut she could hear "baby Shan poo" Jumping out of bed, falling would be more accurate the missus ran toward the bedroom....... Lying in her cot Shannon looked at her with her big brown eyes. Jessica stood on the far side looking pleased with herself.... Shannons babygrow was undone. Her nappy was undone. Shit was plastered EVERYWHERE.

Jess stood looking at the missus, "Shan poo" she said. "Who done this" asked the missus pointing at a very shit splattered Shannon. "Shan" came the reply......

A few days earlier, again when I was at work. Ally was sleeping and, again she heard the teeny tiny patter of feet heading toward the bathroom. A couple of minutes went by. Then ARRRGGGHHHHH Jess screamed. Running into the bathroom the missus stood looking at Jess.

Jess had decided to wash her hair. Without water. Using half a bottle of shampoo she stood there, bubbles in her eyes, shampoo everywhere......

People I ask you, if not for me but for your own well being - have the snip, have the tubes tied. Adopt, you thank me in the long run.........