I think, most parents will tell you the, or, one of the best things about having children, and I do mean this, is you get to play with all the cool toy stuff, sadly all the cool stuff in my house is fooking girlie shite dolls, horses, make up and kitchen ware - it's sad in a way but already we are programming our kids into domestic goddesses - well except that the fact is they're bumbling half wits at the minuet with as much grace as a haemorrhoid ridden pregnant hippo with a club foot. Yes unfortunately my children are not blessed with grace - they have hmmm personality. Attitude. Anger. But not grace.

It's not like I don't play with my children but it always transpires into a fight - Barbi vs Angelina Ballerina and - whichever one I have, it's always the loser- not in the fight, because I kick ass but the missus look of disappointment is always the killer.
And I've also played with their farm animals - this is not a euthinisum but actual plastic farm animals, which in itself is such a strange concept - the makers of such crap have no idea about scale or if in Taiwan or someother kiddie sweatshop country the chickens are taller than the horses then slap me silly I ain't going there I know they do all this genetic mutant stuff I've read comics and are great lovers of the nuclear testing but by god these animals are completely out of whack pigs the size of ants horses smaller than sheep sheep the size of houses - they are the craziest race in the world are the Orientals, how did they end up in the north pole and more important why and the most important is why fooking stay there it's bloody freezing and why call yourselves Eskimos admit it you got lost and ended up in the fooking cold don't pretend it's not you all we have to do is look at the eyes - oriental. They make me pee my pants, just by looking at them and their writing makes no sense at all they can't pronounce R's and if they ask you if you require salt and vinegar (this usually only happens when you're inside a chip shop) it comes out as sore finger I don't mean this in a racist way one of my bestest mates in the whole wide world - well junior school was a Chinese fellow by the name of Tom Ah-tow. So you see it's not racial, but two Wongs don't make a Wright. And they certainly don't make toy animals to scale. It can seriously screw children up - they could go through life thinking a cow is smaller than a goat - this may be the case in Asia but in Europe - not sure about America but defiantly in Europe we like our chickens to be chicken size. we might cram them in small confined spaces so their feathers fall out and they get all distorted and yes without much water and feed them yeast to fatten the buggers up but at least they ain't the size of cattle. So yes I play farm animals with the wee ones but for some unexplained reason Jess always insists on the animals always have a toilet. She stands them up so their bums are pointing downwards and then does the noise - this varies from a full blown straining noise to a wee wee sound. If you don't do a toilet she gets a little annoyed and then a fight ensues but the mutant chicken always wins. And yet another disappointing look from the missus. Has this tale of political incorrectness have a point I hear you cry....Not really. It was a Sunday evening and the girls were fighting over a pushchair although they have one each both decided to play with this certain toy. (As I typing this a bloody big mutant bumble wasp has just flown in with a cow in its mouth - must be an import - cup and paper at the ready!!!!) and so I decided to educate them in the art of dominos - not playing but stacking them. Slight problem we don't have any dominos - so I improvised and used their building blocks. These were various sizes and shapes I started using the flattest ones - just for demonstration purposes to get the girls attention. Then after a while I used the other shapes as my confidence grew I made see saws and slides as my athuseasim grew my children attention diminished. I was like a man possessed protecting my creations with the vigor of a dictator nearly weeping as the big foot of Shannon comes crashing down on my mini utopia. I was a crazy man the only reason I started to play with the blocks was to entertain the children Ally was in the kitchen cooking or doing something so I thought I'd do the decent thing and keep them from interrupting her. My plan failed - failed miserably it did. Within a couple of hours - yes I did say a couple of hours. You should have seen my penultimate creation - it had bright towers topped with either cones or triangles, a slide of red, see saws bridges turned upside down so the arc was used like a half pike sitting on either side was cylinders one would roll and bash into the other causing this to roll onto another building block sending this toppling onto yet another series of blocks all of which would crash and push another group of blocks man it was the proudest day of my life.....I had a rear running down my cheek.
That was until Jess asked Ally"where's da?" the reply was, he's playing with his bricks in the front room,"why" I don't know why love, he just is.......

I built a tall tower just so the young uns could kick it down, it wasn't very good just a tower. Then with a heavy heart I packed the blocks away.

Standing in the doorway with the look of disappointment stood the missus.