I have hippies growing at the bottom of my garden !!!! No lies.

I never chose to have hippies growing at the bottom of my garden, but if I did, it would be fully fledged hippies - you know the sort smells like a jitter - wears jitter juice. Always dangling a raggy (raggy = roll up) outta their mouths. Long hair, maybe in a dreadlocks type of style, in a ponytail and baggy clothes in fact there was a hippie in the other street. He was much nicer - dreadlocks, green woolly jumper with holes in and wore baggy trousers he smelt like weed, not like he wee'd but like weed, he looked the real McCoy. Unlike my hippie. Who has a shaved head, and a twitch. I should have grabbed him whilst I had the chance his van was much nicer as well. I think we could have become friends.

Sadly the hippie we have is living in an old grey BT van at the bottom of the garden he has a mate with him. I think she's female - wears long green skirts and boots, she has a piercing in her nose. To be honest haven't paid much attention to them - I thought I'd let them settle in before taking an interest you know the sort of thing, pretend I haven't noticed them. But stare at them through the bedroom window.

I think these particular hippies (what's the name for them is it pride, herd, school or bunch?) twosome are nocturnal. Every night I hear him skittering about his van. I've peeked outta the bedroom wind to watch him. It's fascinating he scurries here and there poking and prodding his van then he jumps in and revs for about half an hour then reverses his hippiemobile to inches of other cars. Whilst this is going on hippietta is out the back trying to coax him back. Then he looks around like a fooking Merkatt then fooks off back inside the van to smoke grass or whatever hippies do in an old BT van.

We've decided to call him Ernie and the female Eric. I thought we'd call them Sky and Rainbow but everyone said that would be confusing - and rather gay.

Eric is a strange creature when she's not giving driving directions she hugs herself. She has the raggy fixed in her hand. in fact I've never seen her smoke it. And she has a million silver rings on her fingers. I heard her speak the other day - and fook me she's posh all "yes, gosh, what what" and all that bollocks. Took me by surprise it did. So we have posh well to do hippies living in an old beat up BT van. Still not my type of hippie though.

The local kids have started to feed them as well, which is a bit wrong. You can't domesticate these hippies they're wild creatures. They've started to put lentils down for them. Nothing too much just a little scattering here and there mainly on their van but some in the middle of the road. It's like watching a Road runner cartoon, the hippies come out, beep beep, start pecking at the seeds, beep beep. Then they spy a whole pile of them, beep beep. They stand around pecking. Then a car comes and beep beep the hippies are off......

Well if you're ever passing my house and fell like poking some hippies with sticks stop by - they don't mind.... Beep beep.....