Sunday. I was in a..... I can't say it was a bad mood can't say it was a happy one it was a blah day for me.

Sundays are a quiet day, if I'm working. I get about 5 people in and that's it. When you're on a 12 hour shift sometimes if feels like every minuet is a hour every hour is a day do you know what I mean?

I was trying to read a story someone had sent me (very good it was too) If I'm reading a book or doing anything on the PC when staff contractors or visitors come in I put away whatever I'm doing and give my full attention. Through out the week it's very rare that I'll sit there and read for one it's not very professional in my opion and secondly it's not allowed!!!! But on the weekend or late shift I like to read, but the staff will stop and say stuff like what you reading what's it about is it any good, the most irrating one is have you got to the part where so and so dies......No I fooking ain't but thanks you frigging nut job...

The staff just annoyed me, on Sunday. They'd come in week after week and ask the same questions, "are you here long?", "12 hours" I'd reply *the fucking same as last time you asked* my brain would scream - I know what's coming next. "Ahhh not long to go now" *not fucking long, not foooking long it's only eight a bastarding o'clock you grrrrrr nob!!!!* - "No not long" I say with a smile. Then the next one same question same answer. Every now and again one would change the format slightly "you been 'ere all night??" - *No I fucking ain't numb nuts* "No just feels that way!!!" I'd reply again with a smile.

One fella informed me that his wife would be in today around 16:00. *So fucking what* I looked at him, the blank expression screaming for his head to pop - but it never did "What extension you on bud?" - he must have thought I'd asked him for his fucking life story....... "She'll catch the bus down from my mums, but she'll drive to there then....." - *for the love of all that is holy fuck off you turd* - "Ah right" "She hasn't been on the bus before...." *what - ever FUCK OFF you tit* "Are you working that late?" *YES and then some* "yeah" "you'll be able to see Lilly then" a big stupid grin erupts over his gormless face, he's waiting for an answer "Ah that'll be good" *never seen a fucking baby before have I..... TIT* He finally told me his extension number and foooked off. I sat there. My eyes were burning not in anger but from tiredness and hay fever, if you have ever suffered from hay fever rubbing your eyes when they are stinging is pure pleasure. My feet tingle. As soon as you finish rubbing the itchness just gets worst, the more you rub the worst it becomes but whilst rubbing corrr the relief is well corrrrr.

When I have tired eyes and hay fever rubbing them sends me into a orgasmic state - I bet if blokes could have multiple orgasms this is how it'll feel.

I do a few patrols, on one of them the girls, well they're all in their early 50's, they're tearing up some magazines. Not their magazines. Someone elses. It offends them they tell me. The lads mags have semi naked women, nothing too explicit but they find them degrading. OK. What is not OK is these women have moved from their desks to someone elses took the magazine out of a "cubby" hole looked through the magazine and destroyed it. I'm all for freedom of speech, each to their own. I admire the people who fight for their convictions. When you have two or three people, no matter if morally, they're right or wrong, dictating what others can and can not read is not right. If you don't like it don't look at it. If you find it to be offending go through the right channels. If that gets you nowhere find an alternative. Don't go in hard. I might look through Heat or a knitting pattern and find something offensive but I wouldn't destroy it...... Sorry going off on one.

I return to reception and try and finish off the story. Someone goes to lunch. "You still yer? - What time you yer to" "7" I reply *same as this fucking morning - you ugly bint* shaking her head she tuts, I return to the screen "just off to lunch now" *NO - no shit Sherlock considering it's fucking lunch time I never would have guessed* "are you - enjoy" "What time you here - you working tomorrow, I'm off at 16:00" she disappears before I can answer.



"Back from dinner - you still here??" *.........?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?!?!?* "yeah still here" ...............

It's about four O'clock.

The phone rings :


"hello control"
"hello this is Basil calling from ......."
*Get to the fooking point BASIL*
"Am I working at .........?"
*how the fuck would i know - dick head* "let me look - there's nothing on my sheet"
"nothing on your sheet"
"nothing"
"hmmm Nothing"
"No nothing at all"
"nothing"
*for fooook sakes no F-U-C-K ALL* "nothing"

A woman tried to open the door. I buzz the door open.


"mmmm nothing"


I motion for her to pull the door.


"that's correct"
"oooo so your saying I ain't got to go to........"
*breath* "no mate I'm not saying that i'm saying on my sheet it doesn't tell me - what does it say on yours?" -
"nothing"
- *TIT- what have you got a foooking blank bit of paper in front of you TIT* "so your sheets says nothing same as mine - your choice mate"
"hmmm nothing what do you think i should do?"


The woman is still struggling with the door - you can only operate it two ways push or pull - how difficult is it?????


*fuck off that's what i think* "well mate if your sheet says nothing - my sheet says nothing what is it telling you?...Think.....A little harder......" *It's not rocket science* "mmmmm......Phew...hmmm...Not t - o g - oooo"
*bingo you fucking dope* as he saying this I'm actualy mouthing the words with him willing him on "I should coco mate" I put the phone down, I found out later the other guard has had the same conversation with him last night.....
By gum the woman standing outside is a stunner - not, looks as though she fell out of the ugly tree hitting every branch then as she's lying there farmer fuck wit drives his tractor over her face flicking his fag on her eye which catches alight, a passing rugby team sees the blaze and stomps the flames out. Nice girl. I release the door, and she pushes it. I release the door again and she does the same thing. *Jeezus H foooking monkeys bollocks* I open the door for her. She introduces herself. Then I look at the baby. Holly crap in a blanket - it's the ugliest child I have ever seen in my life. Both my kids weren't the most attractive, noses squished eyes all squinty, Shannon was the hairest kid in class for fuck sake, but this child should have been illegal. She saw me looking and as most parents she was waiting for some response. I couldn't. I looked. Looked again *foooking hell love what the fuck is it!!!!* The noise that I made was neither one of joy nor cutesy but more of a "e oooo a jeee fooo - it's got more hair than her dad!!!!" I blurted hoping it didn't sound as bad as it had in my head Although the face was a wreck it was impossible to avert my eyes, it's the same if you see an accident no matter how disturbing you find it you still have to look. It's expression was the strangest part, it was as though someone was tickling a prize winning gurner whilst he was having a shite..........

Sunday was Not my best.

Pool dancing.....

After our adventure with the gazebo the missus decided to buy a pool, a big pool, a massive pool in fact it was fooking huge, now, the good thing was she didn't have to blow it up, which in my view would have killed her, it would have killed me, it is massive, not Olympic massive but bigger than the last one we had, she phoned me at work on a very warm day, whilst I was looking out on the world and its sunshine with a sense of longing, which was nice, but to be honest it was also a kick in the knackers. I'm sat, in an office looking at the sunshine and she phones to say she's in the sun with a pool of water and the kids are loving it, splish splashing themselves stupid in the cool clear water - the bitch, but there is a god, because we haven't got a tap in the back garden she had too fill this thing up with a bucket, it took her hours, and hours being nearly full term this was incredibly hard, I had to chuckle, here she was boasting about how nice it'll be and how horrid it must be to be stuck in work, then she unpacked this monstrosity, so, I think this is gods way of shitting on her, ahhhh pay backs a bitch. I must just say she did collect me from work and she did say she's sorry, so all is forgiven, she dropped me and the kids home, then she went to her mid wifes appointment, I, to be honest haven't been as involved with this one which is a shame but someone has to look after the ankle biters and no point her doing it, so its left up to me.


I take the kids in, get them sorted, ask Jess if she wants to go back out and play - no, I go and get changed and I think foook it if she don't want to go out fine, to be fair it is hot outside (our garden is south south west facing or is it south south south east....What the foook it's not like you're going to come around for tea and cakes is it!!!!) it is hot, its hotter than the frigging sun well hotter than the moon, so anyway, it's hot (if you haven't noticed I ramble you'll get used to it), I slap some sun cream or sun screen, whichever, on Shannon, Jess is still moping in the front room watching some shite about this old biddy, who used to be in open all hours, well, she and this manky looking mutt called Pippin fly around in a spotty airplane finding out about things, I now know how papers made in this particular episode, she was flying around trying to get a teapot some nob brought her (she had broke it), well, fuck me what a crock, this dopey bird went to a pit to get the clay, then off to a sodding tea pot maker, then off somewhere else shitting hell, she could have made several fooking gold encrusted tea pots by the time she pays her fuel bill, the receipt for the tea pot must have been astronomical it was made by hand ...... Anyway Jess loves it.

So, I strip Shannon down to her nappy, chuck some ... No, wait, I've done this bit, hmmmm, oh yes.

As soon as Shannon was ready who wants to come outside, I think thats also the name of the crap she was watching, not sure, so now Jess is there, I strip and sun block her then I look at this pool, this gynormously large pool, its got about a millimeter of water in!!!!!!......A fooking mm not even an inch, and the fooking real kick in the knackers is, on the way home, the missus said you'll have to watch Shannon she might go into the deep end and drown, fooooking hell drown, a frigging gnat couldn't get his arse wet, and foooking deep end, the girls on drugs the "deep end" wasn't even a centimeter!!!!!... I envisaged waist high..... Oh no.

But anyway, they loved it, splashing around like a pair of loons, Shannon would dip her hand into the puddle and drink a bit, she looked like a frigging monkey drinking outta the river, they must have been in there for all of ten minutes when Jess starts squawking "DA DA - look DA LOOK" yeah that's nice love, I reply but she wouldn't let it go "DA, DA, DAaaaaa LOOK BABY"....... I take a gander, and, floating amongst the toys, in the pool are three foooking turds !!!!!!! ....... Shannon has had a foooking crap.....The dirty little........ Foooking hell, her nappy has expanded so much that it has just fell apart, I grab the pair of them, put them on the side, looking around for a scoop, yes a scoop - listen they may be my kids, but a poos a poo, and I ain't picking it up with me bare hands, fuck no wouldn't want to pick my own up, let alone someone else's, I see an old plant pot fooking ideal, taking it. I start to fish for the turd - sod bobbing for apples this will entertain the kids for hours, you see, although the waters not deep, the movement from the water makes the poo move, like a wet bar of soap, fook me I was there for ages chasing turds, got one, now what, fuck it, on the garden it goes, now for the next, the one after is soon caught, getting the hang off this now, horse him on the garden, now for the third turd, he must have been watching because this ones a fooking nightmare, then it breaks up, now I have several mini manures, at this point I'm getting a bit annoyed, the toys are getting in the way, the poos are outsmarting me, the pools too big, so fuck it, in I go. I start to rummage around, get a couple then the final 2, I'm the champion poo plucker of all time, famous last words, well - may be not famous words, I can't remember any passages in Hamlet with them in........ I start to chase the remainding fugitives, when suddenly, one of them starts to attack me, it's heading straight for my feet, well - foook this for a game of marbles, I darted one way, the things in heat seeker mode, its coming toward me, I move again, slip fall head first into the pool, lucky for me I land in the deep end, fucks sake deep end, as I'm laying there, surrounded by turds in the blazing sun, I start to wonder is it fooooking worth it..............

Gazebo gotta go !!!!.

It all start well, the sun was out the kids for once were playing together, nice I thought, the beers were cooling in the fridge and all was well with the world, as the nice weather is on its way, we decided to buy a gazebo, it wasn't an expensive one, but, it'll do the trick, now, my garden ain't the biggest and with the amount of toys strewn across it, it's very cluttered, nor, is it the flattest in fact, it's the steepest garden in the world, there is, however, a small area where the previous occupants had a little patio, well it wasn't as much, a patio, as it was an obstacle course, there were dips and pits, hills and hillocks, so, last year in a fit of stupidity, I hoisted them little slabs up and lay, in its place, grass, thinking about the kids and having somewhere for them to play, the problem is, the grass on the box, ain't what I have in the garden, the picture on the box is this lush green, immaculately trimmed piece of perfection, what I have, is a fooooking mess, there are clumps of grass here, there and everywhere, in some places there's bold patches, I have moss in others, in fairness, I think I was swindled, whoever sold me the seeds, had infact swindled me and swapped the grass seeds for some sesame seeds from the burger place down the road, so it's not my fault and the missus keeps feeding the fucking birds and I think they swooped down and ate a shed load of them. So again not my fault.

We, yes we, unpacked the box of gazeebo bits, look - yes it took 2 adults, to unpack, they had used so much selotape and the box was long and, ok, ok yes we are stupid, but it still took 2, we unpacked this mini miracle of modern day cheap crap, the destructions are, either in French, Klingon or someother crazy language, that no one understands and the pictures are so badly photocopied it was difficult to make out, and as I said, we are a bit dense, so out comes a million poles (not immigrants) all different lengths and some are tapered, others have holes in, some have little springy things and they all have numbers, well this is a good place to start, we arranged all the poles into numbers, well it was the girlfriends idea, me I would have struggled finding them individually, so now we had several piles of poles all numbered we also have some odd shaped plastic things in which the poles sit now we're off.

The sun is beaming down upon us and as the destructions are incomprehensible we, well, we tried to put them together numerically, you know pole one fits into pole two well, what a foooking stupid idea that was, we ended up with a long stick, next a triangle, an equilateral triangle to boot, so another go, this time a frigging cube, grrrrrrr, right then, lets have a final stab, now follow this if you can, pole one goes into pole 5, 5 into 8 then poles 2 and 6 go together, it all slots into the strange little plastic thingy, then pole one, goes into the bottom pole, which is labeled 9 then little stubby things go on these to form the feet, then the whole thing combinds with poles 7 and the rest of the poles all interconnect, I, did you notice as soon as it became a success we became I, I then lifted one end of the gazebo to slot the final pieces first one, second one, third one, first one again, as it fell out, third has fell, back in it goes, this merry little dance lasted for a hour, finally with a hammer, some tape and a lot of swearing, I managed, with some help from her in doors to complete the fooking thing, as we stood in the bright sunshine looking at my enormous erection, sorry had to put that in, I felt proud and slightly dizzy, the missus then asked what about the covering, now, a gazebo without the covering is as much use, as a wet match in a thunderstorm, so I unwrapped the canvas like material threw it over the frame which too be honest was another stupid thing to do the frame's over 2 meters high and bishop is only 5 foot 7 and well I have more chance of sprouting another one on my head than I have of this working I take off the four legs making the whole thing a little more accessible one side on the other side then the next the had to redo it as it was inside out start again one side the next side the first has come off fuck me it's hot the toys and the kids are getting in the way the sun is melting glass I'm struggling with this the missus is saying that ain't right which to be honest ain't helping anyway we manage to attach the roof and the poles without much fuss we even manage to position the thing, Bishop Basher king of the gazebo triumphs again....... Less than a hour later it pissed down.......

So, I'm sat in the front room, with sun stroke, looking out upon a gazebo which is getting wet, the covering will probably shrink now and when I unvelco the sides it'll no doubt (odd looking word ain't it) sling shoot itself over the roof and far away leaving just a frame and a rather tearful Bishop..........