I've noticed a change in the air, and it ain't muck spreading........





The title ain't got nuffin' to do with this blog....Oh crap, as its in the title, I suppose you have to put something in about it....No I don't, my blog, my rules......

Ally picked me up from work the other day, which was nice, but whenever she does there's always an ulterior motive ....... Sometimes, shopping, sometimes, she wants me to go with her, but, mostly to unload groceries from the fooking car, this week she wanted something sinister......... Sorry, similar not sinister, well it's not even similar it's the same, but much worst.........


She wanted me to go to the bank and do a bit of running around and then shopping, but in the worst place imaginable, this part of town used to be nice but, lately its gone to shite, nearly every shop is either, a, cash a cheque / pawn shop or, a, bring a pound buy anything shop and the people are all dressed alike, the women wear, either pink and purple track suits or sallapets (one size fits all.....Do they heck !!!) but, no matter how different they are, it is always, topped off with a fag hanging like a stalactite from grumpy faces, with too much war paint and enough cheap jewelry dangling of ear lobes to destabilize their whole body, their hands, amass of blue, badly written, "I luv kov" and distorted crosses.

The blokes, don't fair much better, pot bellied, saggy arsed dossers, greasy hair and unshaved faces, but, again, a fag stuck in their gob. I've actually seen people here smoking and eating (always a greasy burger washed down with oodles of fizz pop) at the same time, even their off spring have the obligatory cigarette stuck in their pie holes, and, if, they themselves have kids, which most do, I wouldn't be surprised, if they didn't suck on a cancer stick whilst suckling from their mummy's fun bags, now, don't get me wrong, I ain't no snob, but come on, you can wash your bloody clothes now and again, would it kill them to wash their troll like feet and their big banana hands, no of course not...... And, it's not the case that they are poor, I'm from a council estate and growing up, we didn't have a lot of money, the carpets didn't meet the walls until I was 28 I thought that's the way carpets were!!!! But we were always clean, our clothes, mine especially were hand me downs, but we had respect and a bit of pride, even now, many of my kids clothes are from a car boot, but, they look and smell good, well, until they do a whoopsy in their nappies!!!

Anyway, off we went to the land, that time has gave up on, we went to the bank and even these, so called professionals, are grumpy, rude smegmas, with as much customer care as a hangman with a hang over !!! Upon entering the supermarket, we are greeted by hordes of hungry goblins all queuing for their favorite Mc Crap in bun with skinny assed chips (the chips are the only shiny (shiny what the fuck is shinny that my friends is skinny and not fooking shiny, shinny fucking shinny!!!! grrrr!!!) thing in the place!!!) and a liter of sugary goodness (don't people realise they fill 90% of the cup with ice and 5 % with the drink the other 5% is air?)
After fighting our way around the shop, avoiding gaggling grannies who stop suddenly in front of you and talk to Vera about their latest operation, retreating from Roger, the gut retching residential alcoholic, we finally make it to the check out,



where, yes you guessed it, pimply Paula with more metal in her clap trap than a scrap yard sits cross eyed, cheap gold dripping from her body, a face on her, like a pit bull licking the piss of a thistle whilst being stung on the nuts by a wasp, every, item she has to get a price check, then the piss smelling granny, with the hairiest chin counts out her money, then moans about the cost of living these days and how good it was before decimlisation. Paula, sits there thinking about Kev and his hunkyness and, how tonight is going to be the night they finally make a baby, after trying for the whole month they've been together. Eventually, the granny fucks off, leaving us, at the mercy of panting pimply Paula, her mind on tonight activities every sausage, every banana and even the cucumbers a stark reminder of Kevin, three hours later, we emerge from the gloom into a barrage of cigarette smoke, it's like a bloody hobby the whole family can enjoy together, gangs of people huddle together puffing away...............

God welcome to hell...

The view from my house (rainbow is not always there!!!!)


Would you fooking Adam and Eve it


A couple of days ago, whilst I was at work Ally decided to buy a car seat, fine, 40 odd quid, fine I said with gritted teeth, as she told me over the phone, apparently the one we had was about 100 years old and no longer up to standard. Her mum and dad found an old one outside someones house, with a sign - help yourself attached, so they did - it must be an age thing, her parents saw this car seat and dragged it, in the middle of the summer, at the hottest time of the day, from wherever up the steps, there's about 20, to our house, knowing full well, we didn't have a car (our last one was nicked and the insurance had ran out two days before so we were unable to claim) I must admit I was dead against the idea and so was Ally for that matter, I kept thinking, a cat has probaly had kittens or pissed on it, or something, anyhow, it was stored in our house for months, then we saw a car she fancied.

Eventual, we brought the car, it was, the worlds smallest, 2 door, blue shite box of a motor, you'll ever see but she likes it.
Needs must and all, we used the car seat, after washing all the covers and bleaching the whole thing twice, I popped it in the car, fooking hell it looked awful, it took up half the back seat and it was stinking of bleach. I attached the monster from the black Laguna, the best I could, but, with no instructions and no clips it wobbled and slipped about a bit, but it was secure, and as I said needs must and all, we used it for a while, well about a year !!!! As you can imagine there was all sorts of crap in the seat, quavers, crumbs, bits of.... Well, any and everything, until Ally decided to change it......... So, on a rain-filled Monday, the car seat was put on the wall by the bin, if anyone wanted it they could have it, saves chucking it out....

Last night, which was Tuesday and another down pour, Shannon decided she didn't want to settle, about 2 in the morning, we were both up trying to get her to sleep (sounds easy, don't it) I climbed back in bed after getting her off and heard a van outside, to be honest, didn't think much of it, as the fella next door works for the railway and has a van and he works some odd hours but this van wasn't his, it would drive a bit, then stop then off it went, then, it'll stop, I looked out and saw, what I thought was a milk float type of van, popping and farting up the road, not an electric one but a full blown "adult" van, about 10 minutes later, I could hear a voice outside sounded like some freak was on a mobile in the rain, we popped the light off and a couple of seconds later I heard scratching, looked out and the seat had disappeared !!!!!! Praise the lord 'n all that I thought, then I saw this man, running up the road like a racing grey hound on speed and under his arm, was this fucking, gert big, piss stained, food splattered piece of shite, I was throwing out!!!!

In the afternoon, Ally decided to give me a lift to work so we grabbed the kids, walked down the steps to the motor and sitting on next doors wall was the fucking car seat, we couldn't give this thing away!!!!!

.......Sod it, it's going in the bin, I had to wait until bin day then making sure all bits of rubbish was gone. I forced the car seat into the bin and just for added measure, I covered it with a bag of garbage, so, if the bin men looked inside, and they do, I once saw one fish out a pen from the neighbour's bin!!! ........The bin men has been and sitting on the wall, covered in crap, is, yes you guessed it the bloody car seat........ Grrrrrrrr ...This thing is indechuckable...... Fire next, me thinks wwmmmmmaahahahahaaahhhhaaa !!!!!!!!

Well, it's official, I've succumb to the brown side............

Yesterday it finally happened, I've been outnumbered by females for nearly three years and fought against all odds, but yesterday, was my Waterloo, literally..... I have become a fudge packer *hangs head* .....

It had too happen, and, it finally came yesterday, whilst rolling some pastry, and........ *Deep breath* listening to Abba, I found myself singing along *hangs head even further* but, that, wasn't the worst *deep breath* I actual wiggled my 'arris to the beat !!!!!!......And enjoyed it...I told myself, over and over again, it was for the kids, it made them laugh, it's for the kids damn it, but, when they're in the other room and you continue to dance, like a queen, it's time to face reality, the only saving grace was, I wasn't making fairy cakes, I was rolling pastry to make pasties and wasn't wearing a pinny........ Not much of a saving grace I grant you, but it's the only ones I have,....... Oh, no I've thought of another, I didn't put the CD on, the missus did .....Phew, might not be a whole brown star bandit just yet....... I'll look at some heterosexual porn in a moment, just to de gay myself I might be able to find some on the internet not too sure but I have heard rumors!!!!!!!..... *Opens a can of lager with one hand with the other scratches nads!!!!!*



There's a Rastafarian who lives up the road from me, I've seen him several times, and he's a nice geezer always says hello, and is always surrounded by his kids, he has about 5 of them and has this bloody great, big, grey poodle with him......
Anyway, the other night / early morning, it must have been 1 or 2 in the morning, I hear a noise outside the bedroom window, I had a little butchers and lo and behold there's this fooking poodle in our garden running around like a fooking nutter, then he circles several times, then squats, with that, I hear a rant and a rave, not too sure what was said, but this horse of a dog stood up and ran. I looked to where this bellow had come from and, standing in the street, dressed in a fawn coloured house coat, blue pajamas and had his hair tied up in a pony tail was this Rasta, now don't get me wrong, each to his own, but as I've never seen what a Rasta wears too bed, I was very surprised and to be honest, a bit disappointed to see this fella dressed in PJ's........Most uncool.

Never looked at the fella the same since.........



It's been 4 days since my last cigarette.........

Whale oil beef hooked

Apparently the first time I wrote this the ending was shite so thank you Sharon, I lost the original, which took me a hour so the ending was rushed.........

I thought I'd tell you about the birth of my daughters (well mainly one because two would take too frigging long).......No wait......Please, nothing to technical because a) I don't know much about it and b) can't be arsed..... You still there??...Good...Oh, and nothing too gruesome because, well see above...

I was told, by the missus, rather unceremoniously, whilst, taking a seat on the throne, yes, I was having a number 2, which, to be honest, is the best place to be told you were going to be a father for the first time!!!!!....From that day on, my whole life changed......

Both, was a, "cut 'em low, keep 'em high" jobby (cesarean, in other words) originally, we opted for a normal birth, we even booked the pool (I brought a snorkel and flippers in anticipation) but, alas it wasn't to be, Allyson was induced 4 times, I think, it might have been 3, but, anyway, it was the maximum amount of inductions you can have, we (I use the "we" because, although I didn't have to endure the pain, I did have to suffer, the constant moaning, the emotional outbreaks, the sleepless nights, the non existent sex life, my missus getting fat, the "I can't push the car because I'm pregnant" speech for 9, fucking, months, so yes, I use the word, we!!!!) also had a Tenns machines, this is a portable electrocution device used, (if, used proper) to relieve pain, if, like me, you whack it on full "volume" it sends your partner into a whole world of different pain, although WE, only had a couple of contractions, apparently they hurt but not as much as the Tenns machine!!!!! After learning, that, although heavily "up - the - duff", she can move like a ninja, with the force of a fucking hurricane, I, along with my black eye, put the Tenns machine away.
We were offered a "sweep", this doesn't involve a broom, but a hand disappearing into no mans land and sweeping the....Well, something inside the missus, this may help with the process, then they offered to break the waters manually (like I give a rats arse about their plumbing problems, we're having a fooking baby here like!!!)
So, after 3 days of strangers (I think they were doctors, could have been butchers, they all wear the same coats!!!!) putting their hands, feet, head and anything else they could find up inside my missus' naughty places (which, by the way. I hadn't seen, let alone touch for months, because she was "too tired" but, here she was, legs at ten to two, letting all and sundary have a go, like she was some sort of Rubix cube, I think, she just liked the attention, made her feel wanted!!!) We opted for the C-section, much to the dismay of the doctors who told us all the negative things about the procedure "you won't be able to give birth naturally in the future" (which is false) was the one which stuck in my head, we were wheeled down, well, I say we, but, I had to carry all the bags, and I mean all the bags, she had a bag full of baby clothes, one filled with her clothes, one full of food, another of washing, which, I had to take home with me, wash, dry and return tomorrow, talk about taking bloody liberties and another full of magazines, books and newspapers, balanced on top of this was the good luck balloons, the dozen or so cards (well, to be honest, there was one card and that was left by the previous occupant, so thank you Mrs. Naheemsalamhapookasimanz hope you and the nipper are well)
We were showed to our room and I had to put on some "scrubs", I was tempted to go on one of the floors and start examining other ladies naughty bits, but these things, aren't as comfy as they look, I had to wear, sky blue, skin tight trousers which showed everything off. I'm glad I was wearing my, mean green Incredible Hulk grundies, imagine my embarrassment / horror if I was going commando, arrgghh, I bet the bloke before me had no trollies on!!!!! I, also had these sweaty plastic clob hoppers on, which made your feet slip, so when I walked it looked like a fucking ruptured gorilla with piles, and, a rather tight green tunic thing and everytime I bent over, out popped The Hulk with a grrrrrr !!!!!!
They wheeled her into the operating room, again muggings here had to walk, up comes the sheet exposing Allys newly trimmed nether regions, everyone introduced themselves "harrow I'm Wang, I be do the iefernferoeuoer blah blah", "hi I'm Jules I'll be the anithetist" "hello I'm Mary I'll be your mid wife for today" and "howdy I'm Gus I'll be cleaning the floor!!!!" there was about ten people milling around the room, talking about holidays and shopping, it was so surreal, then in barges the doctor he / she (not too sure if it's male or not, if it's female, then it's a manly female, and if its male then, oh dear) haven't got time to say hi, just wants to get on with it, probaly teeing off at 11. I'm asked to put on some music, I opted for one of their CD's, as I've only got 2 and listening to "Smack my bitch up" or "Like a virgin" didn't seem appropriate, Bob Marley gold is popped into the machine and off we go "Buffalo soldier....Something about a raster saying yeah yeah yeah......." After, sticking a foot long needle in her back, several times until they found the right spot, Allyson's asked if she can feel anything, they pop on, some massive yellow boots and spray something cold up and down her legs "legs feel like they're floating" came the reply- fine, they warn us "you might feel some pulling, tugging and pushing but not too worry", after hearing about Wangs holiday for a fucking hour we are told "Jeez that's a big one" I, naturally thought, The Hulk had popped out again, but oh no, thrust in our faces was a "non having a penis" baby, full of blood and crap, slightly blue, bold as a badgers arse (unlike Jess, Shannon was a black haired little bundle of blood, piss and wind, she was a week early and covered head to foot in hair, even her forehead, at first I thought Allyson had an affair with Gus the gorilla) ............


So that was the story of the birth of my children...... The ending is still poor, but it's not a bloody book Sharon !!!!!..... ;0)

My kids are trying to kill me.......

Grrrrrr..............

I've just had one of those days, it's 09:45 on a Saturday and I've had enough already.

Last night my two girls, aged 2 and a half and 9 months, wouldn't sleep, in fact this has been going on for months as soon as one stops the other one starts, it's like, American wrestling without the razzmataz!!!!
It all kicked off at midnight, you have to picture the scene, it's pitch black, you're wrapped in a warm duvet, your muscles are a custard like consistency, your having a wonderful dream, the one about the nun dressed in rubber, the soft noises of contentment fill the night air,hmmm. WAAAAAA, an ear shattering cry comes from Jessicas room, having been yanked from your peaceful slumber by the short and curlies, you stumble across the room, disoriented and sleepy you stifle a scream as you stub your toe on the edge of the bed, limping, you make it to the door, Mary had a little lamb nursery rhyme complete with flashing lights heralds your exit, as you step on a toy now both feet are hurting, you are no longer asleep, laying in her bed pink duvet with I'm a little princess logo is Jess, her big blue eyes, half closed, a little hand reaches out toward you, "more" she hands you her empty bottle of milk, you take the bottle and, after being nearly blinded by the light in the fridge, you return to the bedroom. Jess is fast asleep!!!! You return to your "pit" as soon as your head hits the pillow you're asleep, within minuets WAAAAAAAAA the other one, Shannon is off, in you go, tiptoe past the toys, avoiding the corner of the bed........ This pattern contiues all night long, until 04:10... When, I finaly get to sleep the alarm erupts at 05:45, a shit, shower and shave follows, then iron a shirt, dress, put shoes on take shoes off, empty shoes of toys, miss my bus, wait for over half a hour until the next one, get into work very late, forgot my sandwiches, so I'm sat here.....Oh, and I've just discovered I have a dried sweet stuck to my trousers!!!!.....So I'm sat here for 12 hours, no food, apart from a dried boiled sweet hmmmmm lemon flavour..... Not having the best day

I'm no longer a virgin.....

I've read some of the other blogs.
And by Christ I hope mine is a bit better than some of the ones I read !!! Probaly not though....But please let me know.......Give me a little time please as I'm new to this whole internet thingy though!!!

It's a bank holiday and I'm stuck in work......Again...Life, of a security officer for you. I work in a large office block in the middle of a city, it's a 4 man team, covering 24/7, my crew consists of, a wanna be racist (I think he acts this way just "for shock" value because he is essentialy a good boy) with Metrosexual tendancies who fancies at least one black lady that I know off and owns a dog. There's a African (black) who works nights, well, all he seems to do is sleep in front of the CCTV. He's very quiet, and enjoys selling crap on a well known "sell some crap site" and talking to girls (16 +) on a chat room thingy although he has children, married and a Muslim (not sure if they're allowed to stray answers on a post card please) Then there's the old fella, well, he's in his 50's. He's team leader, and until recently worked nights only (although it's a 24 hour site we work on our own) an ex military man, and he spoils his kids rotten and works 2 full time jobs to pay for them - fucking crazy!!! All in all they are a good bunch of lads each with his own quirk Then there's me, 32, overweight (put on 2 stone since working here!!!!) I have 2 children, both girls both under 2 and one on the way !!! I work days and enjoy my job, for me it's a social thing, I know most people and will give them a smile when they enter the building and have a little chat, it makes the whole day shorter.

Well that's it for now more to come soon.